As I look back over my previous posts I spotted the one where I imagine slipping off the variety of skins that we grow to suit life's current needs.. I still feel like I have a few skins to shed and a few more to try on. The end of the year is nearing. I am virtually without income but somehow am living (until the next utility bill arrives).
Thanks to Yoga and Thai massage I have been spending time with people, more than my Art-self would. It has been great to have something to share and still I am left somewhat frustrated because I regularly meet my own limitations and know that learning is a slow process. People think I ought to be some Yoga-master (yikes) because I've been doing it for so long. If anything I have maintained a beginners attitude: I know nothing in the face of all that is there to be learnt.
No sooner do I figure out one sequence in Thai Massage than I do feel like I just learnt the smallest baby step. When that step is ahead of me it always feels huge and amazing. Once I take the step and learn it's lessons I realise how minute an increase in practice, confidence or knowledge it really is.
It's been really hard trying to maintain my Art practice, I couldn't even begin to work on my photography business, I feel like I repeatedly work on the wrong building site, repeatedly dedicate hours of time into unravelling some tangled life here or there only to realise my time would have been much better spent on another tangle. Or so it feels. Progress has been coming to me with all the reluctance of a child leaving the sweet shop...
I feel like a crazy woman when I say that I will return to study in Thailand next year. I have virtually no cash in my possession. I clearly am a crazy woman but sitting here I find myself hiding from challenges with too much ease. I have a library of books, large windows that invite the sunshine into every room in my place. A real sanctuary (was it not for the everywhere present storage of the museum of every art work I ever made and apparently keep failing to sell)..
Nonetheless, Jason and I have had to be apart again for way too long. How do other unconventional types cope with the claustrophobia of 100% melted together when together and the bereaving experience of the extreme opposite when torn apart onto different continents? I really am exhausted by both variants.
Naturally I type this post as I ought to be starting to tackle my reading list for this week. I was so busy preparing for a market tomorrow that I just couldn't read a paragraph. Or does this again say more about my time management? Nevertheless I cancelled my stall booking today. I just couldn't do both commitments justice. Yes that meant cancelling the possibly only income for this week. But then on the silver lining: with this unique course study opportunity that life landed on in my lap I feel like I also gain something wort tightening the belt for.
So many times have I had an opportunity and despite it sitting in my palm didn't take it. It would be really nice if I could manage to hold onto this one for a change.
There are also other good news: I was accepted to join the Artist residency at Fiskars Artist Village, next year in Finland. They seem relaxed as they somehow never answer an email. As long as the bed is ready when I arrive I don't mind. Spending time in India and with Americans has shaken the stern, efficient German out of me somewhat. I am much better now at going with the flow.
I am planning to become amazing at earning my income to build a life.. shhhh though, I am 39.. Does an old dog learn new tricks? Am I an old dog? Can I learn new tricks?
You would think that this multi-talented life would be charming and that I'd just float through life.. I haven't learnt the relaxed attitude from my American other half enough yet. I'll work on what I imagine as a surfer's attitude. Just go with the flow and enjoy the ride. (oh I will never ever lose my German roots this much....)
Speaking of sense of self, sense of roots, sense of home, we call it Heimat, a very profound description which would require me to type an essay to explain it. In fact, perhaps one day I will type an essay and share it with you.
Speaking of belonging:
I couldn't tell you where I belong anymore. Sections of me never left Cambodia, a little toe loves Morocco so much it never left, Thailand owns a piece of me, India another chunk, even America has snapped me up. I am german who left her home, not realising what it is to let go of the deepest feelings of belonging... For the longest time there was no shadow of a doubt: England was home. Then my travel began.
The journey that would take me across continents, from finally complete alone after years of incompletion to finally happy in a relationship.. .
But what I lost is very great. I lost feeling that I belong, feeling home, feeling secure.
This is something that has been impossible for me to adapt to and I am still working on it. It is also one of the hardest things to explain to anybody who leads a steady, or at least location steady life.
I have come face to face with that I probably won't own a castle.
And a lot of my dreams had their wings clipped.
Is the world just open for the very young? I didn't realise how much perception changes in the 30's.
I am however blessed with a few unconventional friends, who themselves live as nomads. Some are a touch older than I but more accomplished in individual fields (usually yoga).
It feels a little scary to be re-imagining life at 39.
END OF PROCRASTINATION:
I really ought to read my homework now. After all this is what I have been waiting for, for so long!